Ouch. Lately, life hurts. My knees, after 20 years of abuse and neglect, apparently have decided to give me the finger.  Like an ungrateful spouse in a loveless marriage, I have taken them for granted all these many years…the creaking and popping and stabbing pain ignored like so much banal banter over the sound of the television.

So I guess the neglect and indifference went too far…They’re out for revenge in a big way. Consequently I’ve spent the past two weeks hobbling around like Quasimodo, popping pain meds and shrouding myself in ice wraps.  But my knees are not to be denied this time, so I’m breaking down and going to see an orthopedist tomorrow.

With luck I’ll arrange for some quick shots of cortisone and Synvisc.

Which leads me to a brilliant idea: I’m just going to invest in companies that are out to cure what ails me. After all, I’m a pretty typical middle-aged white chick.

If something is killing me, then there must be millions more just like me out there waiting to plunk down money to feel better.

It’s a “glass half full” strategy!  While it’s an unhappy circumstance that I’m ready to saw my legs off with a butter knife, it must be good business to invest in folks who make knee lubricants and replacement bits…So I’m making a list of everything that has ceased to work in a satisfactory manner, and I’m going to look up the companies with products addressing those problems.

This is going to be a long list, but with any luck I’ll die wealthier–if not less painfully!

RedRanting.com

Vacationing in Prince Edward Island Is a Bit Like Removing Your Brain and Putting It on the Dresser…

Just returned from a week visiting my sister and brother-in-law in Prince Edward Island, Canada.

She doesn’t live AT the end of the world, but I think that you can see it from there.  I have a new appreciation of Palin saying that she can “see Russia from her back porch”. When you find yourself in the sticks, I think that you tend to lose all sense of proportion.

Gas Station Cuisine. Not Kidding.

It’s an adventure bringing two American kids on a 12+ hour car trip to a place where the hottest restaurant in town (and I am NOT making this up) is at the gas station.

Yup, you read that right: my sister’s local hotspot dishes out diesel and fish and chips!

I must say, even as a college student–on some wild road trips–I never actually ATE at a gas station. Oh, the occasional bag of Doritos maybe, but not a sit down dinner complete with screw top wine!

It was quite the venue, especially with the scads of nautical knick-knacks nailed to every wall and flat surface. Made Rt. 28 on Cape Cod look truly tasteful, and for any of your familiar with that stretch of road, you’ll appreciate the implications.

Mackerel, Mackerel Everywhere!

The high point of the trip was a deep sea fishing expedition one hazy afternoon just before the start of the tuna fishing season.

Apparently PEI is the mackerel kingdom of the world, because we were filling up buckets with the damn things.

My success was quite something, given that I fish about as often as I compete in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

Can’t take too much credit, though. These particular fish seemed to have suicidal tendencies–they were literally leaping ONTO the hooks nearly as fast as we could pull them up.

Happily, my sister happens to have three cats and big plans for building a smokehouse, so the fish was put to good use.

Strangely mackerel has a powerfully soporific effect on cats; post-fishing-trip it was like a feline opium den at her place.

Her largest cat, who pre-mackerel weighed in at an astonishing 18 pounds, literally ate so much fish that he fell over after polishing off a bowl full, and didn’t move for two hours.

Apart from the disappointment at seeing only mackerel, the trip was fairly uneventful. We only suffered a couple of injuries (well, I suffered the injuries, actually).

My son managed to hook me in a moment of panic as a fish flopped off the hook and nearly worked its way into his shoe.  And my daughter, a newcomer to fishing, could use a bit more space in her attempts to master rod control. Fortunately she hooked my finger, and not my ear while swinging her pole around madly as she landed her first fish.

Swimming with the Jellyfish and Other Cold Water Adventures

Given that PEI is an island we made some mandatory beach pilgrimages, despite iffy weather. We normally swim at beaches on Cape Ann, in Massachusetts, where the water is generally cold enough to make an Eskimo shudder. So, plunging into the waves in PEI was only mildly shocking–except for one thing. Jelly fish. A plague of freaking jelly fish.

My sister–who remained safely on the shore, I might add–enthusiastically informed me that they were “Arctic Reds”, as if they were some sort of prized baking apple instead of a glob of stinging hurt drifting beneath the surface, ready to catch you unaware…

She volunteered that we could stop and get meat tenderizer in the event that anyone did get stung, happily noting that the stings were said to be “much like a bee’s”.  I have to say that this did not provide a whole lot of solace. I’ve been stung by a bee and it hurts like hell.

On the up side, in our beach adventures we did have relatively close encounters with some seals.

I’m fairly sure that they were laughing their blubbery little heads off at us as we alternately screeched as the cold waves hit us, or dashed madly about to avoid the floating pests.  Apparently seals aren’t much impressed by jelly fish. Or pale out-of-towners who can’t stomach the bracing surf, for that matter.

Entertaining the Kids Who Hate Everything

Good bless DVD players, laptops and Nintendo DS!

PEI would appear to be designed for old people, and sufferers of nervous exhaustion…those needing to avoid excitement at all costs.

Needless to say, it was quite a challenge entertaining two kids.

Oh–and I forgot to mention that my sister doesn’t have a television. Prior to our arrival my children thought that I was kidding. I don’t believe that they’ve ever set foot in a house without a television.

Perhaps it was good for them to “detox” a bit…by the end of the week my son realized that his thumbs wouldn’t atrophy from a few days without texting. And my daughter got a chance to be up close and personal with a few cats (we have Greyhounds who regard cats as snack food, so no chance of getting her a kitty while they are alive).

And I actually learned that I could stop bolting upright in bed at 5AM every morning with a sense of impending doom.

I’m not sure that I’d want to spend all my vacations in the land of Nod, but it was okay while it lasted, and my sister, God love her, was a gracious hostess despite over exposure to two children who make more noise than a flock of Jackass penguins. (She doesn’t have kids…wisely realized at a young age that she was more suited to being a crazy cat lady than someone’s Mom.)

It’s good to be home. And it’s good to have been away. All things in due time.

RedRanting.com

As we head into a weekend of July 4th celebrations I am reminded that America was a radical, bold and wonderful political experiment…I am also reminded that many of us seem to be clueless about our own history, flag waving aside.

Here are some of the more alarming–and depressing–facts I came across:

• Sarah Palin clearly had NO idea who Paul Revere was and why he was on a mission when captured by the British
• Apparently Michelle Bachmann is standing by her misstatement–that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery. This of course despite the fact that several were, in fact, slave owners. (She also did not seem to know that it was serial killer John Wayne Gacy–not John “The Duke” Wayne who was from Waterloo, Iowa. Oops!!! Read more about her pronouncements on Politifact.)
• Only 20 percent of fourth-graders, 17 percent of eighth-graders, and 12 percent of twelfth-graders performed at, or above, the proficient level on the 2010 U.S. history assessment. Those numbers haven’t budged considerably in decades.
• A 2010 poll asked the most basic of questions about the nation’s history — “From which country did the United States win its independence?” — is either good news or bad news, depending on your expectations: 26% were not able to cite Great Britain, and 6% named a different country (France, China, Japan, Mexico or Spain, for example).Oh–and there were huge regional variations in the levels of ignorance: 32% of Southerners got it wrong, 26% of Midwesterners, 25% of Westerners and 16% of Northeasterners…happily I hail from that well-known bastion of lefty-thinking, Massachusetts!
• According to a poll conducted by the US Mint in conjunction with the launch of a series of Presidential coins, only 7% of those surveyed could name the first four presidents in order: George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison and 4 in 10 did not know that Washington led the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War.

Here’s a thought: instead of spending money on fireworks this year why doesn’t everyone–especially all of you living south of the Mason-Dixon line–cough up a few bucks for a pocket copy of the Constitution!

RedRanting.com

Sometimes in that few minutes of reverie before I drift off into sleep I have thoughts of truly useful inventions that I would love to roll out…These are creations that could make my life–and the lives of countless millions like me–simpler, and more enjoyable. (Or at least less stressful.)

1. The Detachable Brain
   Imagine if you could simply take your brain out and leave it in a box on your nightstand!?  No more tossing and turning, worrying about work, relationships; unplug and sleep as soundly as your dog!
2. Diet Cheetos with Fish Oil and Vitamin D
   Enough already with the damn health food. When I’m watching Stanley Cup hockey or the NFL I want real snacks–not “crudites”!  Trouble is, between the alcohol and the nibbles I am starting to look like an NFL linebacker. Some help here, please!
3. Flying Cars (or a Harry Potter-style “port key”)
   This commuting to work is really starting to cramp my style–90 plus minutes every day spent in the car, and if you saw my last post you’ll note that the scenery is mostly unpleasant. If I could just zoom up in the clouds I’d arrive at work in a much more peaceful state every day!  Alternatively, having a port key that would zap me into my office every day could work.
4. Calorie-Free Alcohol
   I’m not talking O’Douls here–I mean real, bona fide stuff without the unwanted gut.  Alternatively, see item 1.
5. An Honest Politician
   Ha, ha! Just kidding. Couldn’t do that even with a magic wand!
6. A Camera That Makes You Look Ten Pounds Thinner
   We can build a telescope which can detect light from stars across the universe, but nobody can invent a camera that doesn’t make you look heavier than you actually are?!
7. That Washing Machine They Had on Lost in Space
   Okay, giving away my age here, but I remember watching reruns of Lost In Space (the original TV show, not the bad movie with the guy from “Friends”) and Mom had this incredible washing machine that I’d give my eye teeth to have. She simply popped in a dirty shirt and *bing*–30 seconds later it came out cleaned, pressed and folded.  Wow. If I had that I might even buy clothes that needed ironing…
8. Liquid Motivation
   I can think of a zillion uses for this! I could feed it to my kids so that they can actually master the art of cleaning their rooms, chug it on Friday mornings to get over the inertia that the end of the week brings, pour it in spouse’s tea so that we actually make a dent in the “Honey Do” list…
9. Rose Colored Glasses
   It would be a boon to have a genuinely functional pair of these. On those days when I accidentally catch the local news and find myself barraged with the latest happy updates on shootings, fires, child abductions and the like–*zip*, just pop on those glasses and I’d feel a whole lot better about life the universe and everything! Would also be handy for re-entering the dating scene and not having a blood pressure spike when I hear politicians talk about how global warming is make believe…
10. Bullshit Detector
    Now I know for a fact that this concept has been kicked around for a long time–but I have a vision of a whole line of detectors for commercial development. 

    First, I’d have the desktop BS detector: perfect for use in the office. During meetings an inconspicuous light could flash if co-workers blathered on, wasting your time.

    Then there could be the smartphone app: out on date and feeling like your “Mr. Right” is lying through his teeth about being a millionaire who loves orphans and saves puppies? Let the app make a “bailout call”–so you can feign an emergency and leave “Mr. Wrong” stewing in his own pile of steaming stories.

    Oh–and how about the “Whole House BS Detector”? Especially useful for parents: your kid feeds you a line in any room of the house and *wham*–a piercing alarm sounds! Your kid is busted.

What would you wish for?

RedRanting.com

I’ve had some interesting discussions with my son about genetics, as he recently reviewed the topic in his biology class.

Our chats got me to thinking: if we share virtually ALL of our DNA with only the tiniest of variations, why are so many people such stunningly unattractive dopes?

I seem to remember something about Bell curves and regression to the mean…does none of that apply here?

Let’s Start with Looks…

In a non-scientific observational study during my 45 minute commute to work this morning I looked at the drivers around me with a view toward noting physical differences.

Amongst the males: one looked like Brad Pitt, one a less virile Sean Connery and the rest…well, they might as well have been chimpanzees, or pit bulls. There were a lot of cars on this road, by the way…not a bad sample size!

The women were just as unfortunate despite the benefit of make-up, some of which was actually being applied during the drive. I believe this supports my theory about low IQ.

Step it up Estee Lauder–you’re letting America’s women down!

Looks Aside…

One might argue that looks are superficial and meaningless in the grand scheme of things, which I will happily accept.

Sadly, though, many of the people that I meet in the course of ordinary interactions seem like dullards, in addition to being unattractive. (This becomes stunningly clear during the run up to a Presidential election.)

I found some information from Newsweek online that would seem to bear out my fears:

• 1 in 5 Americans believe that the SUN revolves around the EARTH…Copernicus be damned!
• Barely half of Americans correctly noted that Judaism was older than both Christianity and Islam. Another 41 percent weren’t sure…this despite the fact that the Bible pretty clearly mentions all of this stuff, including the little detail about Jesus being “the King of the Jews”.
• In a 2006 poll, more than 75% of Americans could name at least two of the seven dwarfs; fewer than 25% could name two members of the Supreme Court. But what’s more important: our nation’s ultimate judicial authority? Or some fictitious little men who sing in perfect harmony while working in a mine?
• Three in four Americans can name the Three Stooges; only two in five can name all three branches of our government. Glad that we’re focused on the important stuff.

Well, now that I have thoroughly depressed myself, I need to go read something with big words in it and Google images of Johnny Depp. While I’m at it I might even dig up some factoids about radio carbon dating just to reassure myself that I’m not crazy for thinking that the Earth is more than 5,000 years old. God help us…really.

RedRanting.com

Met a new friend recently while visiting a buddy’s beach house and gleaned some fascinating insights into online dating.

It’s scary, really, hearing her talk about some of the issues that crop up when you’re out in the dating world…which I may soon be reentering.

When you are considering a life change that involves finding a new partner, it is a daunting task to face the unknown, to redevelop your “dating instincts” and to think about managing this with kids who aren’t necessarily wild about the idea of their parent reigniting a social life.

She told us stories about all kinds of men: from the physically and/or mentally dysfunctional to the glass house “not all is what it appears to be” types that simply made up some or all of their history…I give her credit for hanging in there. Part of me was thinking that I’d sooner opt for a talking parrot than navigate that crap.

That aside, my friend told us that she has a list of 10 “gotta have” qualities that she works off of; some hard fought wisdom from the front lines. It made me think hard about what I’d put on my “top 10″ list.

So here’s a preliminary list; my ideal man must:

1. Be able to recognize and use common household appliances (e.g. dishwasher, oven, washing machine/dryer).
2. Know how to cook; heating up frozen chicken nuggets does not count.
3. Be romantic; scratching self and grunting “wanna” does not meet this criteria.
4. Preferably no history of psychiatric issues or incarceration.    Aim high!
5. Financially stable enough to spring for dinner once in a while (and no, Wendy’s doesn’t fit the bill).
6. Be someone that I’d be willing to kiss with the lights on. As part of this requirement their teeth must be largely intact, and approximate some shade of white, with correspondingly acceptable breath.  Again, aim high–you never know how many single dentists are roaming around!
7. Not have bigger boobs than me.
8. Not be a hypochondriac. Once you’re middle aged it’s assumed that some things will ache. Get over it.
9. Have friends; this is critical. New partner must have life of own, not be waiting to latch onto mine like a leech.
10. Be someone that my friends will describe using any (or all of the following adjectives) “normal”, “nice”, “smart”, “funny”, “considerate” or “interesting” (and I don’t mean that they will utter that when stammering for the least offensive way to relate their impressions regarding this man).

So I’m bracing myself for the real possibility that I’ll be plunging into that dating pool one of these months…hope that I don’t drown!

RedRanting.com

Who Would Red Do?

Had a horrifying lunch the other day with a work colleague who has never, apparently, heard the phrase “TMI” (too much information!).

She proceeded to share a litany of elder statesmen that she found sexually appealing…ick..then started to speculate on who *I* would “do”.

Hmmmm….

Wow. I have not thought about sex with Robert Redford recently. Nor have I had a burning desire to make out with Paul Newman…God rest his soul. Not that I am leaning toward Justin Beiber, mind you! Sheepdog hairdos and pimples don’t really do it for me any more.

Thanks very much, but I’ll confine my fantasies to men that are *roughly* in my ballpark.

Nobody whose movies are only seen on TBS at midnight on Tuesdays…in technicolor. I’ll confine myself to those with a few “wear marks”, but nothing fresh out of the box.

Of course with the barrage of media these days, it’s hard to have fleeting thoughts about anyone, as you are likely to know the good, the bad and the scary-as-hell shit about every celebrity that you ever heard of…Kind of off-putting, really.

It’s Called “Boundaries”

Why is it that some people feel the need to share this kind of information–totally unsolicited, mind you!?

More importantly: why do they think you want to chat about your private sexual peccadilloes with them?

Perhaps I have been overly-influenced by having a British mother.

British people don’t actually have sex, you see: they bump into each other in the dark and profusely apologize.

So the thought of actually talking about what you would like to do, and with whom, to someone from work, or with a casual acquaintance, is completely alien.

Not that I am a prude. I can look back on my youth and blanch with the best of them. Just discovered a little thing called “boundaries” as I’ve aged.

Needless to say, I’ve taken to bringing in PB&J sandwiches as I am terrified that I’ll get cornered into another lunch outing.

God help you if you, too, have an office mate who is TMI-impaired!

RedRanting.com

This whole sexting scandal that will likely ruin the marriage and career of Rep. Weiner, but it just goes to show that some people should: A) stay off of Twitter; and B) have their SmartPhones confiscated.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but when I’m feeling romantic, my first thought is not “where’s my phone”.

And I sure as hell cannot see trying to manage six different relationships in addition to an actual, “in-person” relationship with someone. (A bit disappointing to admit this: I always thought that multi-tasking was one of my strengths.)

Apparently one of his sexting “relationships” was with a porn star. Wow, talk about a “Busman’s Holiday”. Is anyone else besides me surprised that a porn star’s off-hours hobby is sexting?

I’d think that after a while you’d prefer to read a book, or nap, or go shopping. Or do anything BUT take your clothes off for the camera.

I haven’t heard much mention of his wife in all the smattered news clips I’ve picked up here and there. Poor woman; it must be very hard on the ego to think that your husband’s real love was a mobile device…

Honestly, though: doesn’t part of you want to say to all the political wives in the world “Duck and cover!” Watching all of these woman constantly get crushed is like watching someone in a bad horror film walk into the dark basement when they hear a scream. Bad things are probably going to happen when you go down there–or when you marry an aspiring politician.

On a bright note, however: listening to an NPR report on the sexting scandal this morning I learned that the AARP says this is very common among all age groups! So much so that they apparently did a report entitled: “Sexting: It’s Not Just for Kids” (or something like that; have to admit, I almost drove off the road when I heard that bit, so memory is a bit foggy).

Good to know that we are a collective nation of pervs and it’s not just those in elected office that can’t put down the cell phones and cigars!

RedRanting.com

God help us! Sarah Palin is now rewriting colonial history? If you haven’t heard, she is now insisting that Revere rode and “…warned the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms.”

Apparently the little detail about Revere attempting to warn Hancock and Adams that the British were marching and preparing to arrest them wasn’t relevant to Palin.

I’m from Boston…Spent a LOT of time marching out-of-town relatives around Lexington, National Historical Site, etc., etc.

I can say with great confidence that Palin has her head up her ass. Revere was not running around warning the British.

First she could see Russia from her back porch. Now she’s revising American history.

Perhaps the wildest thing of all: her supporters are trying, quite literally, to rewrite history to support Sarah’s version of events by altering the Wikipedia page on Revere’s ride!

What’s next: Jefferson was a communist?

I know that she’s been on this family “vacation” with 500 reporters in tow (exactly how I like to relax ever summer)…and while she insists that she’s not a candidate in 2012, I can’t believe this is all designed to boost her ratings on Fox!

This woman really scares the living crap out of me. Have we really, really become such a nation of imbeciles that we’d elect a woman whose qualifications extend to serving on the PTA and half a term as governor of a state where there are roughly as many moose as people?

This latest colonial-era gaff isn’t even her first foray in this area; as Bill Maher pointed out in an interview with Chris Matthews on Hardball: “This is a person who, when Glenn Beck asked her to name her favorite Founding Father other than George Washington, she couldn’t come up with one.”

Maybe we can all chip in and buy her an American history book for her summer reading list?

RedRanting.com

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